52+2 Deck Draw #6: STALLING FOR TIME: MY LIFE AS AN FBI HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR by Gary Noesner ⭐⭐⭐⭐

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“From what I've observed, the happiest and most successful people tend to be those who are able to remain calm at these difficult times and put aside emotions such as pride or anger that stop them from finding common ground. We all need to be good listeners and learn to demonstrate our empathy and understanding of the problems, needs, and issues of others. Only then can we hope to influence their behavior in a positive way.

You might even say that all of life is a negotiation.”

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My main thought was okay, this guy is a badass. Came for the Waco and DC Shooter play-by-play, stayed for an excellent lecture on how to be a better person. Noesner comes off like the Quintessential Dad throughout, full of life lessons and constantly saying he needs to spend more time at home yet can’t help but go all in on his job. While each story puts him in direct contact with a new danger, that fatherly demeanor translates into something crucial for connecting to these desperate and disturbed criminals. Putting people at ease is an under-appreciated skill, one Noesner proves could be life-changing if practiced properly.

I wanted to read this because I couldn’t be farther from a hostage negotiator (outside of dinner time with my daughter). Where does someone get the confidence for that kind of job? Or the clear-headed decision making skills? This is a major lesson in understanding the difference between people’s perspectives. We assume everyone is put together the same, the same wires connecting the same way. But we all process the world differently, sometimes in ways we can’t even fathom because we are so caught up in our own heads. Knowing this is imperative to avoiding disasters like the ones in this book (and even smaller ones in our daily lives).

It’s frustrating that some people — often those with authority — believe force and brutality are the only solutions to problems. It’s tiring watching leaders shut out reason, ignoring precedent and choosing paths that tread the same historical mistakes. I appreciated Noesner’s quote here:

“The psychological makeup of traditional laws enforcement officers tends to include a fair amount of classic controlling behavior, though they may not be self-aware enough to realize it on any conscious level. That typical law enforcement profile can also include a fair amount of arrogance.”

It all boils down to empathy, doesn’t it? Sure, it’s hard to have any for the types of people that commit crimes like this. But it can be a useful tool to circumvent their motives in order to stave off further damage and save lives. We can be calculating, we can be listeners, and we can be strong, all at the same time. For Noesner, it was a crucial tactic for ending a siege. For the rest of us, it could mean preserving what’s left of ourselves. It’s astounding how hard it is for some to see this universal thread, and how hard certain entities work to put a wedge through it.